Rule Number One
by Battle Ferrets
Summary: ONE-SHOT! Joey is always trying to tell Kaiba to be prepared for anything... too bad that in an attempt to prove Seto his point, he gets a nasty surprise that drives Rule Number One into oblivion! Twist-ending. R&R. ---Jasper Sable


*_waves_* Hello all! Another one-shot that I contemplated posting for about three months before saying screw it and now here it is! Explanation: none. Excuse: Insomnia. Three in the morning bout of weirdness that I happened to kind of like. *_shrugs_* 

Featuring Not~So~Martial~Arts!Seto and Gangsta!Joey!

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Dedicated to my one and only hikari! *_glomps Reana_*

Only warning I would have is that there is a tiny little bit of violence, swearing and a bit of one-sided Joey/Seto, but _only_ if you absolutely want there to be! ^.-.^ 

*_grin_* Well, read and review!

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Rule Number One

I couldn't believe it. I was in Seto Kaiba's mansion. I was actually _in_ Seto Kaiba's mansion!

Alright, so it's not that great, but shit! The guy is _rich!_ I knew he was a millionaire, but- _damn!_

God, I'm acting like a Kindergarten kid being hauled off on a field trip. When's lunch?

Holy crap, he has actual live knight armor in his house! Okay, so it's not alive, but I'm positive it's genuine! I reach out to touch it-

And get my arm roughly grabbed and yanked away. 

Ah yes. For every field trip, there's a cruel teacher who spoils all the fun.

"Don't touch _anything_." He says slowly, like maybe I don't speak his language. Yah, okay. I'll give the guy some credit, I wouldn't want anyone touching my thousand dollar suit of armor either, but-

He must have caught me looking out of the corner of my eye. "I mean it."

I mumble my understanding and comply- when he's watching of course. By the time he checks his security cameras I'll be long gone.

I follow him through the house - which, by the way, is more like a frickin' maze than it is a house! - and try to pay attention to which halls we go through before giving up and enjoying the scenery.

And I got to admit, Kaiba's got a pretty nice set-up. Even with all the money he's got, it's still pretty surprising to see that he actually uses it to decorate the house.

Pictures, paintings, murals, statues, armor, weapons, rugs, lights, chandeliers, lamps, carvings, and just about every other damn thing that you could possibly think to shove in a hallway.

Moneybags could probably make his house a museum if he truly wanted too. Might have to mention that to him, though it's not like he needs any more money. Plus I hate the guy.

We finally arrive at a large indoor gym. When I say large, I mean fuckin big enough to house three football tournaments! All underground. Heh. Must've been too preoccupied to notice us going down stairs.

We enter one of the sub-gym's. This one is used mainly for physical stuff like running or simply stretching a few muscles.

"Change room's over there." Kaiba said, pointing to a door with the symbol for guys on it. I don't see one for chicks. Guess the guy doesn't entertain much.

"Nah, I got it on underneath my school uniform, it's warmer." I explain. He kind of gives me a once-over before shrugging and stalking to the change room himself.

Awww. I think Kaiba's shy.

Ew.

I toss my stuff in a corner where I hope I won't forget it and start to strip. Well, not completely, but my shirt goes off and so do my pants. I lied. I ain't wearing nothing except my boxers underneath my clothes. Heh.

But when rich boy comes out I got my sweats on and I'm stretching. Yep, you heard me. I'm going shirtless!

And so is Kaiba. That guy's got to start eating! He's all skin and bones! Well, he does have a nice set of abs and it's not like he has any excess flab or anything, but-

"Are you going to do lunges all day or what?" he asks. Impatient little bugger, ain't he? Well, I never was much for patience either so I'll give the guy a break.

I give him my best Joey grin. "I'm ready when you are."

He nods. That's is the _only_ warning I get before he charges me. And holy _shit_ can that guy move fast for sitting on his ass all day in front of a computer screen.

He tackles me low, but I'm ready for him. As we go down I get my legs underneath him and push with everything I got- or as much as I need to send moneybags flying.

Kaiba recovers fast and gets off the ground, eyes widening slightly as he sees me coming at him like a bull in a charge. 

Aw, is that poor bastard losing confidence now that he sees that I know how to fight? Okay, so I fight dirty. But I can guarantee you that guy who knows how to adapt to any situation is going to kick a guy who, say, needs to do weeks of training to learn one move for when a guy comes from behind. 

I change at the last second when I see he's getting ready to counter a low hit. I hit him high and he goes down. See what I mean? Dirty fighting ain't such a bad thing after all.

I pin him and he struggles. Christ but he's all flying fists and kicking legs. He looks more like he's having a temper tantrum than trying to fight me. I'd have more of a challenge trying to get a three-year-old to take a bath than fight Kaiba's rich ass.

I sigh and roll off of him when he stops struggling. I give him a hand up. Best thing I can say after that is he didn't break a sweat.

"You call that fighting? Who taught you that, your grandma? That was pathetic! Number one rule: Be prepared for anything!"

He gives me a dirty look. Yah, I realize his only living family is Mokuba. I'm a low kind of guy. But he needs a slap in the face. 

Or multiple fists, whichever seems to help more.

I shake my head. "Kaiba, there is no such thing as a clean fight." He looks confused; I can tell that is his exact line of thinking when it comes to fighting. 

Reality check, moneybags. 

"You can't throw up your hands in the middle of a fight and ask for them to give you a moment to think up your next move. You have to be ready for anything!" I charge him in mid-sentence to prove my point.

Dear Lord, what the hell does he think he's doing?

He throws up his hands and holds them out in front of him. You're kidding me, right?

I spin to the side, grabbing his hand while I go. Next thing he knows I got his arm behind his back and he's wincing. Oops, maybe I better ease up on the pressure a bit. An inch more and I would've dislocated his shoulder or snapped his arm.

Probably both.

I release him. "Alright, this is getting us nowhere. You have nadda for reflexes."

He glares at me. "That was a cheap trick, Wheeler."

Well, duh! "Okay, you know what? You're hopeless!" I throw my arms up into the air and go over to my clothes. Er, where I thought they were. Oh, they're on the other side of the gym. We barely did anything! How the hell did we get across the frigging gym?!

He blocks my path when I attempt to reach my clothes. Oooh, scary. He looks imposing. Not good enough Kaiba- that glare ain't going to save your ass from the blade of a knife.

I shove him aside- or, rather, I try to. He dodges and grabs my arm, twisting it the way I did his. One itty bitty tiny little difference: he doesn't know when to stop.

My arm breaks with a loud _crack!_

I let out a scream, still managing to catch his words as he whispers them in my ears. "Be ready for anything, mutt." He's gloating. Oh, I'm going to show his sorry ass what being prepared for anything means.

My arm broken anyways, I twist it out of his grip. Okay, ignore the pretty fireworks and get that bastard!

He thinks he won- my fist says otherwise. Oops, sorry asshole, I guess you'll be needing that nose job I know you've been dying to get!

While he's bent over, mourning his poor nose, I bring my knee up into his face. Scratch that- he's going to need a new nose _and_ a couple weeks worth of dental work.

Yet he didn't utter a sound the entire time I was kicking his ass. Freak.

He glares at me- Jesus, his face is a mess! He turns his head to one side, keeping those cold blue eyes focused intently on me. He spits out a wad of blood. Yup, he lost about... two, three, wow! Five teeth! That's better than my last record!

Shit.

He hits me with his elbow and my good friend oxygen leaves my lungs and leaves me gasping for breath. Down on my knees, his knee poised to do a number on my face.

Ain't going to happen, freak show.

I throw myself to the side and scissor my legs, catching his in between mine and knocking him onto his rich ass. God, I sound like I'm obsessed with his ass, don't I? Which I am _not!_

Anyway, we tussle for a bit and he somehow gets me pinned to a wall. We're both bloody messes.

I managed to break his wrist, crack a few ribs and give him a number of bruises that are going to turn him temporarily black all over. Me? My nose is also broken as well as a few ribs and I'm about ready to fall over. I think we both have concussions.

Shit face learns fast. I think I'm proud. Er... maybe not.

Oh damn. Shit face just collapsed. That floor is looking mighty comfy, too...

"Wake up you idiot!"

Huh? I don't want to wake up, you rich ass snob! I was having the nicest dream! Mmm, doughnuts...

"Wheeler! Open your eyes!" 

That doesn't sound much like Kaiba. 

"Get _up!_"

Alright, alright! I'll open my damn eyes! Just- shut up. My head hurts. And so does everything else. _Da~amn!_

"I'm up!" I manage to say. My throat is dry, my left eye is sealed shut, my arm is on fire and my nose itches.

Though Kaiba doesn't look much better. Heh. Take that, moneybags! Oh, it is him. I really did a number to his face. Christ almighty he'll never look the same again.

"You look like hell." He says pointedly. Aw, such a sweet guy. He could make me sick.

I give a chuckle that turns into a full-fledged protest of my lungs. I manage to get it under control and lick my lips. "Right back at you." Geez, not only was the timing completely off, but he's up and I'm not!

What happened anyway?

"We beat the hell out of each other. Ended up in the hospital. We evidently scared the shit out of the maid who found us, bleeding all over the place like we were. Looked like a pair of corpses."

I guess I spoke out loud.

Anyway, holy bugger!

I chuckle again, my lungs cooperating this time.

"So when do you want your next lesson?"

He gives me a sad smile. "There won't be a next lesson, Joey."

Woah. He looks like his dog just died. And did hell just freeze over because he just called me by my first name. Not mutt, not mongrel, not Wheeler- Joey.

"Of course there'll be another lesson! You did all right this time but you still don't know anything. It might take months of my teaching you before you can safely take on a mugger yourself!"

That sad smile again. Okay, spill it. What the hell is going on! 

He shakes his head. "No Joey, there will never be another lesson."

This is getting real old, real fast. "And why the hell not!?"

He closes his eyes and heaves a sigh that could end all sighs. When he opens them, I see one emotion I never thought to see in those glacier eyes of his. 

Pity.

"No more lessons... Unless we continue them here." He waves a hand around.

I finally take in our surroundings and my jaw drops. No. Fucking. Way.

White. Nothing else. Oh, and light. And Kaiba. Kaiba with a halo. What the _fuck!?_ I turn questioning eyes on him. He unfolds a pair of wings, the ends drooping a little.

His voice is mournful and strangely apologetic. "We're dead, Joey. We killed each other."

~**fin**~

*_shrugs_* Well, review if you liked, review if you didn't. Flamers will not be tolerated.

---Jasper Sable


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